Fall and Falling
One of the most dispiriting parts of grief is when things have been going along well and normally for a while and then some thing or things trigger grief’s reaction. The term “dispiriting” seems to capture the energy and emotional drain that grief can cause. I can see that multiple things catapulted me back into a world of fear, sadness, yearning and unfortunately anger.
I re-read my last blog and realize that I feel abandoned and/or judged by certain friends, and that is something I was determined not to allow myself to focus on. Giving into that anger instead of finding ways to solve the anger or bridge the divide only hurts me.
The cold fall winds often bring back memories of the day Becky died, and the absolute hurt and dread that I felt. This year, after a long warm fall, the cold winds immediately drew me to November 1984. The trip I took to Petoskey for work, and the sibling struggles of my 15 and 12-year-old brought on a deep yearning for Susan; we were always better doing things together than alone.
Two days ago Debbie and I went to dinner at Lelli’s on the Green and had a wonderful time; I had worked through a week of sadness and worry. But then on the weekend my children erupted into a confrontation with one another and with me, and all of the good feeling and sense of stability disappeared. It bothers me that nearly 33 months after Susan’s death I am once again in the throes of grieving.